Samuel Marcus is a 37-year-old white male. He is married to Matthew Marcus-Behr. They have been in a committed relationship for the last 17 years and officially married seven years ago when Gay marriage became legal in the United States (U.S.). Sam has a high-paying position as an executive at a major corporation. Matt is a freelance artist who works from home. Although he is well-known and respected in his field, Marcus has yet to land a major private commission or gallery installment. He is hopeful about the latest project he is working on.

Sam and Matt have two children. Jackson, 13, is their eldest.  They became foster parents to Jackson when he was three years old. After several years in the foster care system, Jackson’s biological parents, Chris and Jennifer, had their rights to Jackson terminated due to neglect and substance abuse violations. Sam and Matt marry and adopt Jackson, who is 6 at the time, shortly thereafter. Recently, Jackson has had difficulty at school primarily for not turning in his homework and last week he was caught smoking a cigarette.

Max, their second child is two years old. They adopted him at birth through open adoption. Max’s biological mother, Monica, is welcome into the family’s home and has visitation at designated times. There is no relationship with the biological father. Recently Max has become aggressive while at daycare causing the family to be referred to a social worker (SW) for family counseling.

Max is a 2 years old male who is in daycare part-time. Both of his adoptive parents work although his dad Matt’s schedule is more flexible hence why Max attends part-time. Max has contact with his biological mother, Monica, during agreed-upon dates and times and she is welcomed into the Marcus/Behn home by both of Max’s adoptive parents. Max does not know his biological father as his father did not wish to be involved in Max's life. Max follows his older brother, Jackson, who is also adopted, but has different birth parents, around the house all the time. Jackson thinks Max is a ‘wild man’, but loves his little brother. 

Recently, Sam and Matt were called to the daycare for a conference with the Director of Little Lights daycare, Jessie, as well as, Max’s group daycare worker, Claire. Jessie informed Sam and Matt that Claire had observed Max biting one of the other toddlers in his group. Jessie also shared that several of the other parents had heard about Max’s biting incident. It was important for the other parents to have the daycare identify if this was an isolated incident or if Max displayed other aggressive behavior. Multiple parents had expressed concern that Max would bite their children too.

In addition to the parents, several of Little Lights’ employees expressed concern about Max noting that they thought he may have an overall aggressive personality. Some workers even went as far as to imply Max may have "some condition" from his biological parents that caused him to be "aggressive." They continued their comments stating that they believed that because Max was not seeing his Mother regularly this acerbated his angry behavior. They were referred to a social worker for family counseling to help Max with his aggression.  When Sam and Matt meet with the social worker (SW) they share that they have an older son, Jackson, who is a 13-year-old middle schooler. They share that he is also adopted, but that he has no contact with his biological parents who are in prison for child abuse and other crimes. This school year, Jackson recently began having trouble due to not turning in all his homework; last week he was caught smoking a cigarette with a friend behind the school. He has always been a quiet child and has never been in trouble before. To complicate matters, Sam and Matt do not agree on the correct approach to parenting. As Jackson has gotten older and Max has been adopted,  they find themselves constantly arguing about several childrearing topics. Matthew is extremely concerned that Jackson was caught smoking. He is not necessarily worried that Jackson "got in trouble”,  but more about the health implications associated with smoking cigarettes, e.g. habit forming, different types of cancer, etc. Sam does not condone smoking,  but he does not see it as "a big deal" for Jackson to try it. He sees it more as a typical ‘right of passage’. Sam and Jackson often joke that Matthew is a health nut’ who worries too much. On the other hand,  Sam is worried that something "might be wrong “with Max due to his biting. Matt does not agree. Based on the research that Matt has done, he feels that it is normal behavior for a two-year-old. 

In addition, Matt believes that the daycare may be at the heart of the issue with Max. He feels that workers have stigmatized him or may have possible unconscious biases against Max because he is adopted. He also feels that the daycare’s comments about the lack of bonding with Max’s mother, Monica, are deeply problematic because it creates a false narrative that Monica is not in Max’s life. Last, but not least Matt does wonder if ‘under the surface’ the daycare itself is not supportive of LGBTQ+ adoption, which leads them to automatically believe a child should be with their biological mother.

Scenario 1: The social worker requests a report from the daycare outlining their concerns, Max’s behavior, and other pertinent information. Upon reviewing the files, speaking to other parties involved, and meeting with the Marcus/Behr family several times the SW is concerned that the daycare has a high level of bias toward the family directly related to the LGBTQ+ community. 

Scenario 2: While the family is engaged in counseling, Jackson begins skipping school, smoking cigarettes on a regular basis, and taking money out of the savings jar at home. Sam continues to joke about it with Jackson, but Matt is increasingly alarmed. When Matt confronts Jackson one day after school the argument quickly escalates with Jackson throwing a dish at Matt’s head. He then takes off and it is several hours before his parents are able to locate him.

Scenario 3: Matt and Sam are at a loss for what to do in terms of their relationship and their very different approach to parenting. They argue all the time about parenting and they have difficulty even being in the same room. Sam decides to temporarily move out of the family home causing further turmoil for the children. Jackson begins to wonder; if his parents break up will he be placed once again in the foster care system? Max wanders around the house constantly crying and looking for Sam. 

Sam and Matt have been together since the beginning of their 20’s. They broke up on and off while still in college, but have been in a committed relationship for the last 15 years. They married in 2015 when gay marriage was legalized in all 50 states. This was a very proud moment in their lives together and both were ecstatic to be able to legally exchange vows without fear of persecution.

Both, Sam and Matt, struggled to ‘fit in’ as teenagers in different towns in rural America. They both grew up in an area of the country where being openly gay was not only frowned upon but potentially dangerous. Before they ever met each other, they each experienced  harassment and discrimination which has continued throughout their lives. Matt recalls being bullied at school in the locker room by several of the guys on the wrestling team. When he tried to talk to the physical education (PE) teacher, the PE teacher told Matt he should “learn to stop whining, fight back and quit being a sissy”. When Sam applied for a scholarship in college, his guidance counselor advised him “not to let on that he liked men if he wanted the scholarship.” To this day, Sam talks about how he has always strived to be fiscally successful to hopefully allow him to live in a safe, open, and supportive community. 

After college graduation, they moved to a small town halfway between Matt and Sam’s parents with the intent of starting their lives together. Within weeks it became clear that basic aspects of life would be challenging, e.g. grocery shopping, obtaining a gym membership, etc. One day, Matt came out to find their car had been spray painted with a Nazi swastica, anti-gay rhetoric, and a note with a death threat attached to the window. When they contacted the police, the responding officer said that maybe they should consider moving. The police officer said, “We don’t have your kind around here, so it is probably best yall move along”. Concerned about the lack of police support, the possible escalation of violence, and the ostracization by the local community they felt they had no choice, but to move. So the next week they moved across the country, to live in an area where they could live their lives and be in a relationship with one another without fear.

Although they loved their new life together it was not without a cost. They both had to leave their loving families behind. Both families supported them in coming out and are actively involved in their lives. Sam’s biological father was abusive toward Sam’s mom, Cynthia.  He does not have a relationship with his biological father. Sam does have a very close relationship with his stepfather, Phil, who he considers his "real" father and his inspiration for wanting to adopt children. Matt is close to both of his parents. Matthew does feel a need to set limits with his parents at times as they "tend to give a lot of advice." All three families often vacation together. Both Sam’s and Matthew’s parents are thrilled to have grandchildren. They have consistently provided emotional, social, and physical support. In addition, both sets of parents have communicated verbally that they are “only a phone call away” if there are any fiscal needs the family or the grandchildren may need support with. 

The blending of family life made first foster care and then adoption a natural next step for the couple, especially in light of the 2015 ruling protecting gay marriage. Understanding that many in the U.S. were still adjusting to the idea of gay marriage and gay adoption, several of Matt and Sam’s friends had originally suggested fostering a child. When they met Jackson they felt an instant connection with the little boy. Several difficult years passed with many ups and downs in terms of the foster care system and Jackson’s biological parents. 

When Jackson was five both his parents were found guilty of neglect and abuse after leaving Jackson in 90-degree heat in an enclosed car while they went to ‘shoot up. Luckily for Jackson, a resident of the neighborhood was walking by and saw him in the backseat. The resident, not sure if Jackson was sleeping or if he was dead - called the police immediately. When the police got there, Jackson’s parents were approaching the car. Stating that it was their car, they unlocked it, and the police picked Jackson’s overheated body up. Believing that Jackson was suffering from heat stroke, they rushed him to the hospital where he eventually recovered. His mother immediately confessed and both parents were currently incarcerated. They terminated their rights in a plea deal and Jackson came to live permanently with Matt and Sam. They married and adopted Jackson shortly after his sixth birthday.

After their experience with the foster care system, Matt and Sam did not plan on adopting again. That changed when Monica, Sam’s assistant, approached her boss stating that she needed a few weeks off from work to deal with personal issues. Sam asked if there was anything that he could do to help or if it was work-related. Monica sat down and explained that she had been in a relationship that ended because her partner had become increasingly violent. She stated that she now found herself pregnant with few resources and very scared. She did not believe in abortion, but she did not feel she could fiscally raise a child. She stated that she was also close to earning her degree and did not want to give up all of ‘her hard work. Sam told her to take the rest of the day off, and take some time to clear her head, and he might have a solution if she was willing to talk to him the next day. 

Sam went home and immediately told Matt about Monica’s pregnancy. Sam shared that he thought this was a perfect opportunity to possibly expand their family. Matt was a little more hesitant due to the fact that Matt was the primary caregiver at home and Jackson still had nightmares sometimes from past trauma. Sam asked Matt to think about what a great environment they could provide for a baby. He also stated that there wouldn’t be the same issues as Jackson because they would have the baby from birth. Matt was reluctant, but he felt he owed it to Sam to at least try to be open to the experience.

Sam approached Monica at lunch the next day with the idea of an open adoption. He stated that she would always be able to visit the baby and be in its life. He said that he could possibly help her find a better position with the company with better pay and talk to HR about paying for the remaining college courses that she had. He also stated that if something were to happen to him and Matt, of course, she would have primary rights to the baby. Sam would later recollect making that statement in reference to if he and Matt died, not if their marriage ended in divorce. At the time the statement was made that clarification was not made.

The next day, Matt, Sam, and Monica began the paperwork for open adoption.

Demographics of Marcus Behr Family: